


It's going down; I'm yelling Hinder...

by orphan_account, unshakespearean (InimitableLia)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Torchwood
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Hameo?, Inspired By Tumblr, John Laurens has terrible friends, Lots of it, Nobody is Dead, Really not that much of a Hamilton crossover, Rhys is an asshole, Rhysbashing, THIS IS A WEIRD CROSSOVER, abuse mention, although that last one really only applies as far as Hamilton is concerned, damn these tags are really out of order, jefferson is an asshole, more like a Hamilton cameo, yay!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-01 23:04:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6540247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account, https://archiveofourown.org/users/InimitableLia/pseuds/unshakespearean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody thinks that Tosh’s latest technology project, an app called Hinder (instead of the “soul-sucking motherfucking Tinder”) will take off. She just wanted to make a point about sexual assault on women and how hard it can be for them to get out of bad dates, or other dangerous situations. But when it does, Jack Harkness finds himself with the responsibility of helping Gwen Cooper break up with her boyfriend in the middle of their date. Yes, he’s her “online friend” for the night, but what will he really mean to her when it’s over? (Modern!Torchwood AU, featuring cameos from a very passionate-in-the-wrong-way Thomas Jefferson and a freckled John Laurens.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's going down; I'm yelling Hinder...

The app had begun as a joke, really. Toshiko had thought that it would be funny to create a reverse version of “soul-sucking motherfucking Tinder,” an epithet which most likely stemmed from a failed date that she had sworn the others to never mention again. _Ever._ Anyway, she also wanted to make a point about the way dating apps could be used to assault women, and hence Hinder was born, or, as Jack had nicknamed it (much to her chagrin), “iCockblock,” a dating app that matches one with dates in progress nearby so that they can stop them, with a special Request feature for those who wanted out of shitty and/or creepy dates.

But when Jack refreshed the app after a long day hindering Weevils from overrunning Cardiff, he noticed that somebody had actually been paying attention to all of Tosh’s social media blasts. There were two listings on the screen — one of some cute guy with freckles, and one of a brunette woman with a cute tooth gap. And yes, they were both cute. Owen always claimed that Jack thought everyone was cute because he was so horny, but they _were_ both legitimately cute.

 _Help! I’m John Laurens and I’m 100% not in the place to be tonight,_ the guy’s bio read. _My “friend” thought it’d be a great idea to set me up with one of the douchiest guys on the planet to troll both of us, and this asshole is doing nothing but muttering about how much he loves France and hates black people. (Even though his mother was black. What is wrong with this guy.) Anyway, I could use someone to un-set us up. Help??_

Jack chuckled. Poor dude. He x-ed out of John’s profile and checked out the other one.

_Hi, my name’s Gwen Cooper. I don’t know if I agreed not to do this when I agreed to your Terms and Conditions, but I really could use some help dumping my current boyfriend._

“Toshiko!” Jack called from his desk. “Is assisting with breakups not allowed?”

“Um, as long as your breakup assisting doesn’t breach our security. Why?”

Jack said nothing, instead continuing to read the bio.

_My boyfriend and I have had a lot of trouble getting on recently. He’s gotten weirdly possessive and kind of creeps me out, and he constantly is getting angry at me and accusing me of cheating._

“Yikes,” Jack muttered. He could already tell he didn’t like this boyfriend.

_Anyway, I set this date up with the hope of its being a We Need To Talk™ but he went and turned it into a Gwen Needs To Make Up For All Of The Bad Things She’s Supposedly Done™. How that even makes sense, I have no idea, but please, for the love of god, get me the hell out of this. Thanks <3 _

Jack sighed, knowing immediately which date he needed to crash. Sure, the freckled guy was cute, but the woman could actually be in danger. He’d seen enough abusive relationships over his lifetime to know how this kind of thing ended.

Jack sat down in his spinny chair and spun around, thinking about who he should “be” to Gwen. Clearly, someone who she was dating wouldn’t be a good idea if he wanted her to be as safe as possible — and he did. Ooh! Something occurred to him. Maybe he was the online friend she’d told everything to, because she was too scared to tell her real life friends. After all, she did tell the Internet in a sense about her relationship with her boyfriend. He figured she could supply most of the details, and if not, he could probably guess.

He figured looking geeky would be his best bet. Thankfully, he was already wearing his suspenders, so that wouldn’t be too hard.

“Where are you going?” Tosh asked when he started racing to the exit.

“Saving a damsel in distress,” he answered with a grin.

***

Gwen’s hands trembled as she sat at the table on the patio of the restaurant she hadn’t picked, but probably would have to pay for. Rhys would be there within the next few minutes, assuming he wasn’t incredibly late or blew her off altogether, which honestly wasn’t so far-fetched, but assuming he did show… this was going to be terrible.

She thought back to the profile she had made on that Hinder app. Her friend Hermia had suggested the app to her, knowing that Rhys was “a lowlife, no-life piece of shit” (Mia’s words, not hers, for the record) and that perhaps she could use it as a way out. So she figured she’d make a profile and see if someone might give her a hand.

A few tables over she could hear a guy with a giant afro giving a racist, Islamophobic rant and another guy with freckles praying for the end. _Maybe he has a profile as well,_ she mused.

And… there he was. Fuck.

Gwen tried to stop her hands from trembling as Rhys approached. Mia had told her that she shouldn’t be so scared of him, but she _was._

“Hi, Gwen,” Rhys said, and sat down to look at the menu, as if nothing was wrong. As if he hadn’t been accusing her of things she’d never do for the past week.

“Hi...Rhys,” Gwen answered. “Do you know what you want to get?”

They nodded, and didn’t say anything of substance until after the waiter had left. “So, you wanted to talk to me about something?” Rhys asked.

“Yeah. Um...things have been weird lately,” Gwen forced out, wondering if this was a bad idea.

“Yeah. You’ve been spending a lot of time with Andy lately,” Rhys said.

 _He’s my partner on the police force, you doofus. I’m not cheating on you,_ Gwen wanted to say. “That’s what this has all been about?” She asked.

“You used to _date_ him, Gwen. Of course I’m going to be jealous,” he said.

“Okay, but it was for a week in Year 8 because he asked me out to some dance and we stopped dating right after it. It was nothing serious,” Gwen responded. “For fuck’s sake, Rhys, I’m not bloody cheating on you.”

“How the hell am I supposed to believe that?” Rhys retorted.

“What do you mean, how are you supposed to believe that? We’ve been dating for years; do you really have that little faith? Anyway, I’m not interested in talking about your accusations of my cheating, not only because they’re bullshit—” Rhys laughed “—but because they completely take away from the problem I’ve been having, which is that you’ve really been kind of a dick to me lately.”

“Are you _kidding me?!_ ” Rhys retorted. “How about the way you’ve treated _me,_ eh? You’re always out late—”

“—Oh, yes, heaven forbid a police constable not make curfew—”

“—Although, that would really be rather ironic.”

Both parties turned to see that someone with a very, _very_ vintage long jacket and suspenders was watching them.

“Who the hell are you?” Rhys asked.

“Captain Jack Harkness.” He turned to Gwen. “Nice shirt.”

Gwen grinned. Whoever had designed the app clearly was a user of Tumblr (not that _Gwen_ was, of course; that would just be silly), as he or she—probably she—had set up a system for the hinderer and hinderee to secretly communicate that was quite like the infamous Shoelace Code (again, not that she knew anything about that). _Nice shirt_ was the first part of the code.

“Thanks,” she said. “I got it at a thrift store for twenty quid.”

“A good investment.” So he was from Hinder.

“Okay, who the fuck are you?” Rhys asked, angrier this time. “Gwen, how do you know this…  American?”

“We met via an online forum,” Captain Jack Harkness said smoothly. _Well put, “Captain,”_ Gwen thought to herself, reasonably sure that this Jack fellow had never served in the military. “She and I have been talking for quite some time, and she’s really rather open with me. Makes me wonder how come she’s not so open with you.”

 _Okay, now you’re being risky,_ Gwen mused. _You know literally nothing about me._

“What do you mean, not so open with me?” Rhys asked.

“Well, if you think she’s cheating on you, something must be rotten in the state of—hold on, what’s your name?”

“Why the fuck should I tell you my name?” Rhys glared at Jack.

“It’s Rhys,” Gwen piped up.

“Something must be rotten in the state of Gwen and Rhys,” Jack finished. “I can’t imagine she’s cheating on you, but surely there’s _something_ wrong.”

“She _is_ cheating on me. And I don’t know what lies she’s been telling you, but I’m not the one who’s the problem in this relationship,” Rhys stated, folding his arms over his chest.

“Now, you see, I don’t believe that,” Jack smiled, and pulled up a chair from an empty nearby table to sit down. “See, I happened to realize I lived in the same city as my friend who’s told me a lot about you, who’s been _scared_ of you, so when I saw you two upon entering this restaurant I knew I had to do something. And she warned me that you’d try to blame her for everything, for the record,”

Gwen had to admit that he was doing a good job. Even though she didn’t know this guy at all, she felt a lot safer with him here instead of just Rhys.

“Scared? Of _me?_ ” Rhys blustered. “I’m her _boyfriend!_  You’re probably some pervert from the Internet who wants to destroy her life.”

“Does she look like she thinks I’m destroying her life?” Jack asked.

“He's not,” Gwen piped up.

“Nobody asked you,” Rhys snapped.

“Gwen, am I destroying your life?” Jack asked her.

“No,” Gwen replied.

“See, someone asked her, and even if ‘nobody had,’ seeing as it's her life we’re talking about, I think her opinion matters. Moreover, what’s it to you if I’m destroying her life? You don’t seem to care about her all that much, at least not enough to not scare her and not accuse her of cheating.”

“She’s my girlfriend, you—”

“—Ah, and there it is,” Jack interrupted smoothly. “All in that word _my._ You think and act as though just because you and Gwen hold hands and kiss and do whatever else, although I can’t imagine much whatever else gets done; even I see nothing in you and I’ll go after anything that moves. Alas, size doesn’t matter when you’re an asshole.”

“What are you saying about my size?” Rhys almost shouted.

“Your hands, my friend. They make Donald Drumpf’s look normal, and you know what they say about men with small hands. You can’t trust ‘em!”

Gwen, at this point, was practically in stitches. Here was a bloke she had just met, and he was mocking American politicians, backing her up, and making comments about Rhys’s anatomy, for which, by the way, she could absolutely vouch.

“Anyway, back to _my._ I really hate that word when applied to relationships, honestly. Women are people, as a matter of fact, and just because you’re romantically involved doesn’t mean you get to treat her like shit.”

“I’m not treating—”

“—Yes you are,” Jack and Gwen said simultaneously.

“Fine!” Rhys yelled, attracting the attention and disapproval of everyone in the restaurant — yes, even the racist afro guy. “If you think he’s so bloody perfect, then why don’t you just leave me for him?”

“Might be a good idea, actually,” Jack shrugged.

Usually it was scary to Gwen when Rhys was angry, but now? He was attracting the disapproval of everyone in the restaurant and making such a fool of himself that Gwen couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“So I should throw all your clothes and possessions out on the street? Because if you’re going to leave me, that’s what I’m going to do!” He yelled.

“Now, that’s not nice,” Jack admonished.

“Do you think I care?” Rhys yelled. “My girlfriend, who’s the one who’s the problem, brought her American online friend to humiliate me in front of an entire restaurant!”

“In all fairness, you’re humiliating yourself,” Jack mused. “Gwen, what do you say? Should we get out of here?”

Gwen said nothing. She did want out, but losing her home was a scary prospect.

“Please come with me,” Jack said gently. “You can crash at my place; my coworker makes the best coffee known to this universe, oh, and you’ll really like my other coworker, she’s the one who coded that online forum.”

“Seriously?” Gwen’s eyes popped. “Do you… work in app design or something?”

“No, that’s just a hobby of hers,” Jack explained. _So it was a she who wrote the app. I knew it._ “Also, if you’re worried about Douchey McDouchepants over there chucking all of your shit into the street, I can send my people over to your place to collect it. I promise they won’t vandalize the house… much.”

Gwen laughed out loud at this. “Your people, eh?”

“What—vandalize my house?!”

“I’ll help!” The guy who was dealing with Racist Afro Guy—John?—shouted this from the table next door. “Can I bring friends?”

“How about you just take over the operation?” Jack asked. “How many friends are we talking here?”

“Hmmm… nine, maybe? Ten?”

“Damn,” Jack laughed. “Ten people vandalizing a house? That’s a lot, eh? What if you get caught?”

“Eh, we’ll figure out a system,” shrugged the newly designated vandalist squadron leader.

(Racist Afro Guy had long stormed away.)

***

Jack’s co-worker Ianto did indeed make the best coffee in the universe, at least of all the coffee that Gwen had drank. It had only been an hour since the disastrous date had been over, but she was already so much happier. Tosh, the woman who’d written the app, was ecstatic that her silly Tinder parody had been used for something useful, and Jack was entertaining Owen, his other co-worker, with the story of the date.

“I’d probably have much more malevolent motivations for ruining a date than you would,” Owen told Jack, laughing. Gwen was glad Jack had been the one to ruin the date, then.

A while later, Jack got a text from John, informing him that the system had worked (like always) and they were bringing Gwen’s items over to them. It appeared that Jack’s talking down of Rhys had gotten the afro guy, whom John informed them was named Thomas Jefferson, out of the restaurant, too, so Hinder had worked on both of the terrible dates. All in all, a successful evening for everyone, although according to John, “fucking Mulligan is going to fucking die for making me go out with fucking Jefferson.” So maybe not such a successful evening for Mulligan.

Later that night, when the rest of Jack’s coworkers—Gwen had learned by this point that they were a team called “Torchwood” and saved the world from alien life—had gone home, Gwen and Jack found themselves curled up on the latter’s bed, which happened to live underneath his office in a hole in the floor (it would seem that the wonders of their base—the Hub—would never cease), watching a movie. Somehow, despite having only met Jack that day, Gwen felt perfectly comfortable with him, trusted him.

“You doing okay?” he asked her.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she replied. “A little shaken, still, but I’m okay. Thanks again, by the way.”

“What for?”

“For saving me, for helping me get away from Rhys… I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Jack said gently. He gently reached across and took her hand. “It was the right thing to do.”

Gwen smiled and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “What about that? Was that the right thing to do?”

“I think so,” Jack replied.

Over time, Jack would come to learn what exactly Gwen and Rhys’s relationship had been like and how that had affected her. He would talk with her about what she had been through and hold her when she needed to be held. He would support her as she continued to work with the police while simultaneously working with his team and constantly have to rethink his beliefs as to the value of having Torchwood remain a secret, until eventually everything changed. He would turn down an offer to rejoin his old best friend in favor of staying with the newer Torchwood, the one Gwen had helped to build, in favor of staying with his team and with Gwen herself. He would spend every day going forward silently thanking fate and Toshiko’s app for bringing him and Gwen together, and cursing the fact that someday she would die and leave him behind.

But now was not the time for that. Now was the time for him to lean in and kiss her ever so softly, to watch her bright green eyes shine as they pulled apart, to open his arms to her, to feel a swell in his chest as she curled close to him, to gently run his fingers through her dark hair, and to watch her fall asleep. Now was the time for the first night of many nights together to end, and for a new life to begin.


End file.
